1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

If you lived as a child in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s or 70’s, looking back, it’s hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have…

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cupboards, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No mobile phones. Unthinkable.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

Here are some apparently actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Signed Off: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Signed Off: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Signed Off: Number 2 propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: Propellers 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, “You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico.”

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

Background:
Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr.Laura penned by a US resident and it was also posted on the Internet:-

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

Two mates loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed” she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house’.

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling!

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

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6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
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