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The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

  • Category: Pics  |
  • 12 Jul, 2016  |
  • Views: 4766  |
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Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest stand up comics ever and he owes much of his success to his classic one liners. Here's a few of the best from his incredible career.

I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

1 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.


2 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."


3 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.


4 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.


5 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.



6 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.


7 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

In Venice, Italy they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals.


8 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I went to a record store; they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.


9 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I saw a sheet lying on the floor; it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.


10 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"


11 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so…yeah."


12 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want 2,000 of something.


13 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.


14 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."


15 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

Dogs are forever in the push up position.


16 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."


17 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


18 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


19 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.


20 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


21 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I remixed the remix. It was back to normal.


22 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I saw a commercial for an above ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool.


23 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?


24 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.


25 The Late Great Mitch Hedberg Had So Many Unforgettable One Liners (25 pics)


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№1 Author: rattte (12 Jul 2016 11:18) Total user comments: 170


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