"This is my last bit of food until I get my last paycheck on Thursday. Lost my job on Monday. Just after I put the cheese on I realized it expired last year."
"My new trainers arrived today"
"Accidentally let my shorts touch the floor for 2 seconds in the airport bathroom"
"Knelt down to get a ping pong ball from under the table at work and heard a little rip…"
"A few years ago, I worked at an Apple Store and a fella brought in 16 in MacBook Pro that he bought off of Amazon. This is what Amazon shipped him."
"Split my shorts wide open whilst doing squats at my local gym."
"Couldn’t get out of my driveway this morning. I had the car towed and now my neighbor is pissed."
"Bucket of paint fell from attic, wiping out dresser, carpet and walls"
Ok then.
"While moving my daughter out of her apartment, a couch was dropped on my head."
"Today's special: Chocolate Water."
"Have a final in an hour, only pair of glasses just broke"