Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

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  • 15 Dec, 2021  |
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13. Fruitcake

You always hear about fruitcake being a Christmas food, see it in Christmas movies, etc., but have never encountered it in real life. You’re starting to think it might just be a myth, like Santa Claus or penguins.

But then, on the twenty-eighth Christmas of your life, bad luck finally strikes. You find yourself face-to-face with a slab of the stuff. Brown with chunks of red and green. Yuletide vomit baked into an awful loaf. The fact it’s been arranged on a fine China platter beside gently flickering candles and festive table décor feels like a sick joke.

Alas, curiosity takes over and you carve off a sliver. It tastes similar to pie. Minus the joy. It isn’t necessarily offensive to the tongue. But it’s so grainy and bland and void of pleasure that knowing someone intentionally foisted it upon a celebration of kinship and love and life itself is an incredibly offensive thought. Whoever made it must either be a sadist or someone who hates Christmas so much they can’t stand to see other people enjoy it.

##ck fruitcake. I'd rather get a stocking full of coal. I could at least use that to cook something less sh*tty.

12. Cranberry Sauce

Many Cranberry Connoisseurs swear the simple Ocean Spray Cran-In-A-Can is the best option — even better than fixing it at home. I would agree because spending any amount of time in the kitchen attempting to make that bitter red muck appetizing is a tremendous waste.

1 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

11. Candy Canes

Mints are everyone’s least favorite candy. Sure they help bad breath. But that makes them less of a treat and more of a post-dinner hygiene tool, like a toothpick. The candy cane is basically just a mint elongated and bent into the shape of a fancy walking stick.

My great-grandpa had a cane. And when I was a kid, he would wrap the crook of the cane around my waist so I couldn’t escape as he berated me, pelting my face with flecks of tobacco-laced spit. To this day, the sight of a cane — even a candy one — fills my subconscious with feelings of dread and inferiority.

2 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

10. Green Bean Casserole

Consisting primarily of cream of mushroom soup, crispy onions, and green beans, the recipe for Green Bean Casserole was invented in 1955 by an employee for the Campbell Soup Company. It’s been leaving hungry diners unimpressed ever since.

3 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

9. Ham

I’ve had some fantastic honey-smoked hams in my time, but even the best pig rear has me bored once I finish the sweet, crispy skin and make my way to the meatier, saltier center. Pork is still an all-time meat, but I’d rather have a fat plate of bacon or ribs or pulled pork shoulder than a drier cut of ham any day. And when I see the massive leg in the center of a Christmas spread, I can’t help but pine for the turkey from a month prior.

4 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

8. Stuffing

Now we’re getting into the good stuff… ing. Moist and herby and delicious. Imagine a guy hundreds of years ago going, “Y’know, Abner, this bread is pretty tasty… but what if we shoved it up a turkey’s ass?” Surely they called him a madman. But he was on to something because fast-forward to 2021 and stuffing is still a staple at any quality Christmas feast. I always love a good stuffing. “Yeah I’ll bet you do.” Hey!

5 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

7. Sweet Potato Casserole

These bad boys are best when covered in a layer of roasted marshmallows and a sweet crust. It’s basically a pie that manages to pass as a vegetable, a dessert that’s weaseled its way to the main course. You have to respect that level of finesse.

6 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

6. Mashed Potatoes

Can’t go wrong with sticky, buttery, delicious mashed potatoes. They’re the glue that holds the whole show together, whether we’re talking about the disparate flavors of a Christmas dinner or my emotional state.

7 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

5. Tamales

I didn’t know serving tamales at Christmastime was a tradition until I moved to Texas, but it’s one I instantly fell in love with. Dough filled with meat and/or cheese and steamed in a corn leaf. f*cking delightful. Fruit is also a common filling for dessert Tamales. But the American grocery stores will put out some crazy ones, like a tamale made out of pumpkin spice dough and filled with cream cheese (not bad, in my opinion, though Abuelita would probably turn in her grave at the mention of cream cheese in a tamale).

8 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

4. Gingerbread

I will say that if done right, gingerbread can easily launch to number one on my list. But given the average of all the gingerbread I’ve had in my life, they fall here. That’s not to say I won’t f*ck up a whole plate of GB cookies. But when gingerbread is served in house form, the flavor is usually sacrificed for structural integrity. And this list is about flavor, dammit. Not aesthetics.

9 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

3. Sugar cookies with frosting

Mom leaves you and your younger brother to decorate the little white cookie people for the neighborhood Christmas party that night. But when she returns from shopping an hour before the party, she is horrified to discover her 10 and 11-year-old boys have scrawled in icing the impressively large anatomical features of each of the cookie denizens. She has to stop at Giant en route to the party for some store-bought replacements. You and bro are trying (and failing) to stifle your laughter the entire ride.

10 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

2. Egg Nog

Potentially controversial to put Nog this high on the list. I know a few people who hate it. But I love that rich, creamy goodness. Sprinkle some cinnamon on top? Oh f*ck yes. Pour of brandy? Uhm… do I look like a Boy Scout? Hold that bottle straight up and down for three seconds at least, please. Need that Nog. I’m even a scooch lactose intolerant and I’ll happily endure a night on the porcelain throne if it means throwing some Egg Nog down my gullet.

11 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

1. Hot chocolate

Every time I sip hot chocolate, I feel like that old bitter pretentious food critic from Ratatouille who takes a bite of ratatouille and is instantly transported to his childhood, his mother making him a plate of the sliced veggies after a bad day. Hot chocolate warms my icy heart. And that first taste brings me back to a bygone era of snow days and sledding and believing in Santa. Believing in magic.

12 Christmas Foods Ranked (14 pics)

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