Here are some apparently actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Signed Off: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Signed Off: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Signed Off: Number 2 propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: Propellers 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn’t.
Signed Off: It does now.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Signed Off: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Signed Off: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Signed Off: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Signed Off: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Signed Off: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per minute descent.
Signed Off: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Signed Off: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Signed Off: That’s what they’re there for.